Why Love Is So Confusing for Many People

Many people never grew up with unconditional love.
They may have an idea of what love is supposed to be, but deep down, they often don’t believe anyone could truly love them if that person really got to know them.

So there’s a lot of confusion around questions like:

• What is love?

• How do you show love in a healthy way?

• How do you even know what love feels like?

These are the questions many people in recovery and trauma work eventually have to face.

The Five Love Languages

About 25 years ago, psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of The Five Love Languages.

His main idea is simple:

Each person has a natural way they like to receive and express love.
Some expressions make us feel deeply loved; others leave us feeling untouched.

We also tend to express love in the way that feels natural to us — but that might not be the way our partner, child, or friend experiences love.

Understanding Love Languages in Practice

Each of us learns early on what love looks and feels like.
For some, love is deep conversation and emotional connection.
For others, it’s laughter, play, and shared activity.

When two people with different “love languages” come together, it’s easy to miss each other emotionally — not because love is absent, but because it’s being expressed in different ways.

Healthy relationships require learning one another’s language and being willing to stretch beyond what feels comfortable.

The Five Languages of Love

1. Words of Affirmation

Feeling loved through kind and affirming words — hearing “I love you,” encouragement, or appreciation.
These can be spoken or written — notes, cards, texts, or simple validation.

2. Gifts

Not just flowers or chocolates. Sometimes love is shown through practical giving — helping with a bill, sharing resources, or offering something thoughtful that says, “I was thinking of you.”

3. Acts of Service

Showing love by doing something that helps — preparing a meal, running errands, or giving someone time to rest. It’s love through action and sacrifice.

4. Focused Quality Time

Putting aside distractions, giving full attention, and being emotionally present.
For some, that means deep conversation; for others, it means shared fun and laughter.

5. Physical Touch

Affection through touch — nonsexual gestures like hugging, holding hands, or snuggling, and sexual connection when it’s safe and appropriate.

Most people are a blend of two or three.
Identifying your own and understanding the preferences of those around you can transform the way you connect.

A Word of Caution: Love Languages Can Be Misused

An abuser can use all five love languages to manipulate — saying all the right things, giving gifts, serving, offering affection — until control is established. Then the behavior stops.

That isn’t love.
True love is the right action from the right motive.
It’s grounded in character — honesty, respect, trustworthiness.
Someone can speak your love language and still lie, cheat, or use you.

How Complex Trauma Complicates Love

1. Not Knowing What Love Feels Like

If someone grows up without healthy love, they may not know what makes them feel loved or how they naturally express love.
That awareness takes time to develop — and patience to explore.

2. Comfort Zones

People tend to love in ways that feel comfortable.
But healthy love often means stepping outside that comfort zone and expressing care in ways that may feel awkward at first. That’s how growth happens.

3. Different Love Languages in Families

Parents often say, “I love all my kids the same.”
They may mean it — but each child receives love differently.

If a parent’s primary way of showing love is through gifts, but a child’s love language is quality time, that child may grow up feeling unloved — even though love was being offered.

Healthy love means learning to speak the other person’s language, not just your own.

Trauma and the Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation

People who never heard “I love you” growing up may feel awkward or numb when they hear it later.
Those who heard it often but without loving action may find the words triggering or empty.

Healing involves learning to both give and receive affirming words — validating, encouraging, and building others up instead of focusing on the negative.

2. Gifts

For some, giving gifts can become a way to seek approval or buy affection.
Others may overspend impulsively to prove love or value.
And some feel suspicious when receiving gifts, assuming manipulation (“What are they apologizing for?”).

Awareness helps untangle these old associations so giving and receiving can feel safe again.

3. Acts of Service

In many trauma-affected or traditional homes, rigid gender roles shaped how love was expressed — men worked outside, women served inside.
Healthy love requires flexibility and shared support.

Complex trauma can also lead to earning love through service — trying to prove worth by helping everyone else.
This can lead to exhaustion and enabling.

A key recovery principle: help, don’t rescue.
Service is love only when it empowers, not when it prevents others from growing.

4. Focused Quality Time

Healthy relationships need both togetherness and space.
Codependent relationships are built on constant togetherness.

True quality time means being emotionally present — putting the phone away, making eye contact, listening.
In parenting, this can look like individual time with each child — not multitasking, but real connection.

Balance is vital. Even deep thinkers need lightness and fun.
And depth in relationships takes time — safety first, depth later.

5. Physical Touch

Physical touch can be especially complex for those with trauma.

Nonsexual affection may feel uncomfortable or unsafe, while sexual touch can be confused with emotional connection.
It’s essential to separate the two.

Healthy touch means respecting boundaries and understanding what kind of touch helps someone feel safe, not pressured.

For many people, the foundation of physical intimacy is built long before physical contact — through emotional presence, kindness, and consistent safety.

Final Thoughts

Healthy love takes awareness, patience, and practice.
It’s not only about knowing your love language — it’s about building character, trust, and safety.

Learning to love well — and to receive love — can feel awkward at first, especially for those healing from trauma.
But over time, it becomes natural.

That’s where real healing and connection begin — when love is not a performance or a need, but a genuine act of care.