I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore: Why We Disconnect from Ourselves
Most people think trauma is about what happened to them — the events, the abuse, the chaos, the loss.
But trauma isn’t really about the external thing. Trauma is about what happened inside of you as a result.
At its core, trauma is the disconnection from yourself.
And that’s what I really want to talk about today, because this happens at a subconscious level. You don’t wake up one morning and say, “I think I’ll disconnect from myself today.”
It’s your brain trying to protect you from pain. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s your brain saying, “This hurts too much. Let’s shut her down. Let’s disconnect so we don’t feel anything.”
But what once protected you eventually starts to destroy you — because it keeps you cut off from your own feelings, from other people, and from your sense of who you are.
That’s why so many people in recovery say the same thing:
“I don’t know who I am.”
Why People with Complex Trauma Disconnect
So why do people with complex trauma disconnect from themselves so easily?
I think there are two main reasons.
1. It Starts in Childhood
If you grew up with parents who couldn’t connect — maybe they ignored you, maybe they criticized or laughed at you when you tried to open up — you learned very early that connection equals pain.
You tried to bond, you tried to talk, and you were rejected.
So the message you internalized was:
“If my parents don’t want to connect with me, I must be the problem.”
That shame turns inward. You start to believe that you’re a bad person, that connecting with yourself would only mean facing someone you’ve come to dislike.
So your brain says, “Let’s not connect with self. Let’s get as far away from that as we can.”
That’s the first layer — disconnection learned in early childhood.
2. The Brain Can’t Resolve Painful Emotions
The second reason is what happens later: all the unresolved negative emotions.
You’ve got fear, anger, depression, anxiety — and the brain is trying to solve them all. But it can’t.
There’s no resolution, no relief. So at some point, the brain says, “I can’t keep living like this. The only way to stop feeling all this pain is to shut down.”
That’s when disconnection becomes a survival strategy. You stop feeling. You go numb.
And when you finally discover drugs or alcohol, your brain says, “Ah, this works. This is the perfect solution.” Because now you can numb those unresolved emotions even more. You can escape.
That’s why substances become so attractive to people with complex trauma — they’re not just chasing pleasure. They’re escaping the pain of being connected to themselves.
The Hidden Consequences of Disconnection
A lot of people will say, “What’s the big deal? I disconnect and I like it that way.”
But let’s talk about what really happens when you disconnect.
1. Depersonalization — Becoming a Stranger to Yourself
The first thing is something called Depersonalization Disorder.
Some psychologists consider it to be the third most common disorder after depression and anxiety.
A journalist named Jeffrey Abugel wrote a book called Stranger to Myself, and that’s exactly what it feels like — you become a stranger to yourself.
You’ve lived your whole life wearing masks, fulfilling roles, doing what you’re supposed to do — but you’ve never actually met you.
So when people in recovery say, “I don’t know who I am,” that’s what they mean. They’re not broken; they’re disconnected.
2. Your Emotions Still Control You
People think disconnection means they’re not being controlled by emotions anymore — but that’s not true.
Even if you don’t feel your emotions, your limbic brain — your emotional center — is still running the show.
You’re still reacting to emotions subconsciously. You make decisions in a split second based on emotions you’re not even aware of.
3. Living Like a Robot
A lot of people describe this as feeling like a robot. They say, “I just go through the motions. I don’t feel bad, but I don’t feel good either.”
You’re doing life, but it’s flat.
That’s because when you shut down negative emotions, you shut down positive ones too.
But what you have to understand is that “robot mode” isn’t neutral — it’s preprogrammed with your old pain, your old beliefs, your shame. So when you go into that autopilot state, you’re being guided by the very things you’re trying to escape.
4. Losing Presence
Another big effect of disconnection is that it becomes really hard to be present.
You can be with your kids, but because you’re disconnected internally, you can’t feel that connection externally. You’re there physically, but not emotionally.
And without realizing it, you send your kids the same message you once got:
“You’re not worth connecting to.”
How the Brain Learns to Disconnect
Sometimes, disconnection becomes so automatic that we don’t even realize it’s happening.
It’s something the brain learned long ago as a survival skill — and it keeps repeating it, even when we no longer need it to protect us.
When you were younger and couldn’t escape pain, your brain had to find some way to protect you.
So it built defense mechanisms — little patterns of behavior that helped you not feel, not connect, not hurt.
Over time, those patterns became habits. They turned into personality traits. And eventually, they became invisible.
Here are some of the most common ways the brain keeps you disconnected:
Staying constantly busy. If you’re always cleaning, organizing, working, helping, or scrolling — there’s no time to feel pain. Busyness becomes a shield.
Overanalyzing everything. Living in your head can feel safe, but it’s really avoidance. If I can think my way through everything, I don’t have to feel anything.
Shutting down completely. Some people just stop allowing themselves to feel anything. They bury emotions so deep they lose access altogether.
Escaping into fantasy. Daydreaming, gaming, or imagining a perfect life where pain doesn’t exist becomes an escape hatch.
Toxic positivity. “Everything’s fine,” “Just stay positive.” This forced optimism keeps real emotions buried.
Focusing on one emotion. Often anger — because it’s easier to be mad than sad. But that means cutting off the rest of your emotional world.
Helping everyone else. It feels noble, but it’s a distraction from your own pain.
Obsessing over your body or health. Focusing on fitness, food, or appearance can feel like self-care, but sometimes it’s just another way to avoid inner work.
Dissociation. In extreme trauma, the brain can literally “leave” the body — watching the abuse from above or imagining being somewhere safe. This is what we now call Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) — the brain’s ultimate act of self-protection.
The Silence Test
Let me give you a little test.
If you were in a car with someone and the conversation stopped — total silence for 10 or 15 seconds — how would that make you feel?
Would you feel calm and comfortable, or would you start scrambling to fill the space with words?
That discomfort with silence is often a subtle form of disconnection — because being in silence forces you to sit with yourself.
And for many people with trauma, that’s terrifying.
What Triggers Disconnection in Recovery
Even after you’ve done a lot of healing work, disconnection can still creep back in — and it often does so quietly.
You might not even realize it’s happening until you suddenly feel flat, numb, or checked out.
Here are some of the most common triggers:
Extra busyness or drama. When life speeds up — kids, work, chaos — your brain slips back into survival mode.
Too much stress. Once stress crosses your tolerance threshold, the brain says, “I can’t handle this.” It’s the mind’s emergency brake.
Depression or anxiety. Ongoing sadness or fear convinces your brain to shut off emotions altogether.
Major change or uncertainty. Even positive change can feel unsafe and trigger old trauma responses.
Exhaustion or burnout. Staying connected takes energy. When you’re drained, the brain takes the easy route — disconnect.
Loneliness, boredom, or unresolved emotions. These are quieter but powerful triggers. The brain tries to resolve them, can’t, and eventually says, “Let’s just check out.”
Anniversaries, people, or places linked to past trauma. Sometimes your body remembers even when your mind doesn’t.
All of these triggers have one thing in common: they raise cortisol, the stress hormone.
When cortisol floods your system, your brain goes into survival mode — and survival mode requires disconnection.
You don’t have time to feel when you’re trying to survive.
Your emotional brain shuts off so your body can focus on endurance.
Early Warning Signs That You’re Disconnecting
Because disconnection happens at a subconscious level, self-awareness is your best defense.
Here are some early signs your brain may be starting to shut down:
You start to feel “sped up” inside. Your thoughts race, your body tightens, your energy feels restless — like your engine is idling too high.
You feel like a robot. You’re functioning — working, parenting, handling life — but you feel detached, like you’re watching yourself from outside.
You crave escape. You suddenly want to binge-watch, scroll, eat, game, drink — anything to avoid reality.
You resist responsibilities. You know there’s a call to make or an errand to run, but you just can’t bring yourself to do it.
You feel emotionally flat — or overly emotional. Either numb to everything or crying at a commercial. Both mean your emotional regulation is off.
You’re irritable or edgy. You’re snapping at people for no reason.
Your emotions spike fast. You go from calm to furious in seconds — your limbic brain is driving before logic catches up.
You check out in groups or conversations. You zone out, lose interest, or drift mentally — because your brain is pulling away.
You feel distant from people you love. You’re less open, less engaged, less present — a clear sign you’re disconnecting from yourself, too.
You eat more emotionally. Mindless or comfort eating often signals you’re numbing emotions.
Someone once said,
“Once a habit has been brought to the conscious level, it’s no longer a habit — it’s a choice.”
That’s what self-awareness gives you — the power to choose connection instead of letting disconnection run on autopilot.
If you ignore these signs, disconnection deepens.
And for many people in recovery, once disconnection takes hold, relapse can follow within a day or two.
If you’ve been in recovery longer, maybe you last a week or two — but the longer you stay disconnected, the greater the danger.
The goal isn’t to avoid disconnection forever. It’s to recognize it early, understand it, and gently bring yourself back before it takes over.
How to Reconnect with Yourself
So how do you start reconnecting with yourself?
You begin by rebuilding a relationship with you.
That starts with facing the shame that says, “I’m not lovable.”
That voice inside whispering, “The reason I was neglected or abused is because I’m not worth loving.”
That shame is what’s been driving disconnection all along.
You have to challenge that message — because it isn’t true.
You are lovable.
You always were.
But you’ve been running from yourself for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be your own friend.
That’s what connection really is — developing a friendship with yourself.
Getting to know who you are again.
It starts small.
Set aside time every day — even five or ten minutes — just to be with yourself. No phone, no noise, no distractions. Just you.
For some, that’s before bed; for others, first thing in the morning. It doesn’t have to be long — it just has to be consistent.
Ask yourself simple questions:
What am I feeling right now?
What was hard about today?
What was good about today?
What do I need right now?
Journal if it helps.
Pray. Meditate. Reflect.
The goal isn’t to fix anything — it’s to listen.
To get quiet enough to hear what’s going on inside of you and respond with compassion instead of judgment.
When Quiet Time Feels Uncomfortable
For a lot of people with trauma, being alone with themselves is the hardest thing in the world.
They sit down and within 30 seconds their brain starts racing — “I should be doing something. This is boring. I hate this.”
That’s normal.
That discomfort is the healing.
It’s your brain realizing it’s been disconnected for so long that it doesn’t know how to “be” with you yet.
So when that happens, don’t run — slow down.
Try grounding exercises:
Deep breathing and noticing your body.
Putting your hand on your chest and feeling your heartbeat.
Naming five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear.
Grounding brings you back to the present, back to your body, back to yourself.
And it’s okay to invite someone safe into this process — a therapist, a sponsor, a friend. Sometimes others can see the good in you that you can’t yet see yourself.
Building Daily Connection
Over time, these small daily check-ins become the foundation for a deeper relationship with yourself.
You start to notice patterns — what triggers you, what calms you, what brings peace.
You gain insights into why you do what you do.
You begin to feel more in control — not because you’re suppressing emotions, but because you’re aware of them.
That’s what connection is: awareness, acceptance, compassion.
And sometimes reconnecting brings up grief — sadness for what you lost, for what was taken, for the years spent running from yourself.
That’s okay. That grief is part of healing.
Be patient. Healing takes time.
You’re learning to trust yourself again — and that’s sacred work.
The Work of Reconnection
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about coming home to who you really are.
You’re not fixing yourself — you’re remembering yourself.
When you start living connected to your inner world — your emotions, your body, your spirit — everything changes. You see life differently. You experience people differently. You experience yourself differently.
Therapist Leanne Otten said it beautifully:
“Living connected to the deepest part of ourselves is the way through healing all manifestations of the physical and emotional body. It’s how we experience deeper, more meaningful connection with others and learn how to take care of our own needs moment to moment.”
Disconnection once kept you safe.
But now, it keeps you small.
When you reconnect, you begin to feel again.
And when you feel again, you begin to live.
That’s where healing truly begins — not in perfection, not in control, but in the gentle, daily act of coming back home to yourself.
