Why We Cling to Pain More Than We Chase Joy: Understanding Loss Aversion
The Fear of Losing What Hurts Us
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to let go — even when what you’re holding onto is painful?
We stay in jobs that drain us, relationships that hurt, habits that keep us stuck.
And we tell ourselves we’re doing it because it’s “safe” or “familiar.”
But underneath that, there’s something deeper happening in the brain.
It’s called loss aversion — the tendency to fear losses more than we value gains.
In other words:
The pain of losing something feels worse than the pleasure of gaining something new.
This is one of the most powerful forces shaping human behavior — and for people with trauma, it can quietly run the whole show.
What Loss Aversion Really Means
From an evolutionary point of view, loss aversion makes sense.
Our brains evolved to keep us alive — not happy.
Avoiding loss was crucial for survival: losing food, shelter, or connection could mean danger.
So even now, thousands of years later, our nervous systems react to potential loss as if our lives depend on it.
It’s why we:
Avoid change, even when we’re unhappy
Stay in relationships that feel “familiar” but not safe
Cling to old identities or coping mechanisms that no longer serve us
The brain interprets letting go as risk — and risk feels unsafe.
How It Feels in Real Life
Loss aversion doesn’t just show up with money or possessions.
It shows up emotionally, too.
A few examples:
Someone stays in a toxic relationship because the thought of being alone feels worse than staying miserable.
A person in recovery keeps rescuing others because losing the “helper” role feels unbearable — even though it’s exhausting.
Someone avoids setting boundaries because the thought of disappointing people feels like losing love.
In each case, the brain says:
“Better the pain I know than the pain I don’t.”
And that’s the trap.
The Trauma Connection
For people with trauma, loss isn’t just uncomfortable — it’s triggering.
Many have already experienced deep losses: love, safety, trust, childhood, control.
So the body learns that loss equals danger.
Even small, healthy forms of letting go — of control, of people-pleasing, of perfectionism — can feel terrifying.
That’s why trauma survivors often cling to:
Familiar pain (it’s predictable)
Dysfunctional relationships (they at least prove connection)
Over-giving (it feels safer to be needed than to risk rejection)
The brain would rather stay in pain it understands than step into an unknown that might be better.
The Paradox of Healing
Here’s the paradox:
Healing always requires some kind of loss.
You have to lose the old identity that kept you safe.
You have to lose illusions of control.
You have to lose relationships that no longer fit your growth.
You have to lose certain coping patterns — even though they once saved you.
Every step of healing involves grieving something — even if that “something” once hurt you.
And that grief is what makes people hesitate.
We can’t move toward new gains until we’re willing to feel the pain of loss.
Rewiring the Brain for Safety in Change
The good news is, loss aversion isn’t permanent.
The brain can be rewired through awareness and new experiences.
Here are a few ways to begin:
1. Name What You’re Afraid to Lose
Ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I stop doing this?”
Naming the fear takes away its power.
2. Acknowledge What That Loss Protected You From
Most coping behaviors once served a purpose.
Recognize that — without judgment.
Say, “This pattern helped me survive. I can thank it — and still let it go.”
3. Start Small
Practice letting go of little things first — a task, a role, an expectation.
The nervous system learns safety through gradual exposure, not force.
4. Focus on What You’ll Gain
When you release something, your brain fixates on the loss.
Counterbalance that by asking:
“What freedom might I gain if I let this go?”
Even imagining the gain helps the brain begin to shift its focus from fear to possibility.
From Fear of Losing to Freedom in Letting Go
The goal isn’t to eliminate fear of loss — that’s part of being human.
It’s to move through it consciously, instead of letting it quietly control you.
When you understand loss aversion, you start to see your resistance differently.
You realize you’re not “weak” or “stuck” — you’re wired for survival.
Your brain is trying to protect you from pain.
But healing asks you to teach your brain something new:
“It’s safe to let go now. I’m not losing safety — I’m gaining freedom.”
And little by little, that’s how transformation happens —
not through chasing endless gains,
but through the courage to face what we fear losing,
and to trust that something better is waiting on the other side.
