Why Some People Struggle to Rely on Others (and How It Impacts Healing)
Have you ever noticed how hard it feels to lean on someone else?
For some people, asking for help is not just uncomfortable — it feels impossible. They may say:
“If I don’t do it myself, it won’t be done properly.”
“I don’t really need anyone.”
“When people praise me, I don’t believe them.”
On the outside, this looks like independence. On the inside, it can feel like exhaustion, mistrust, and loneliness.
Where Does This Come From?
Hyper-independence often develops as a survival strategy. Maybe, early in life:
Caregivers were unreliable, critical, or controlling.
Depending on others led to disappointment, shame, or punishment.
The only way to feel safe was to stay in control and rely on yourself.
The brain learns: “It’s safer not to trust. If I keep everything on my shoulders, at least I won’t be blindsided.”
Over time, this creates a deeply ingrained belief: “I can’t count on anyone but me.”
The Double-Edged Sword
Self-reliance can be a strength. Many high achievers, leaders, and caregivers have built their lives on it.
But here’s the catch:
When you never let yourself lean on others, you carry twice the load.
Even when support is offered, you may dismiss it or assume others don’t really mean it.
Validation from others doesn’t land — because the internal voice says: “They don’t really know me. Only I know the truth.”
In other words, no matter how much care or recognition comes your way, it feels like water slipping through your fingers.
What’s Really Happening Beneath the Surface
Psychologists like Gabor Maté and Bessel van der Kolk remind us patterns like this are not “flaws.” They are adaptations — brilliant strategies that once kept us safe.
If no one was there for you, it made sense to stop asking.
If others let you down, it made sense to only trust yourself.
If vulnerability was met with rejection, it made sense to hide your needs.
The problem? What once protected you is now keeping you stuck.
A Different Way Forward
Healing doesn’t mean swinging to the other extreme and suddenly depending on everyone. It’s about experimenting with safe, balanced connections.
This might look like:
Allowing yourself to ask for small help and noticing you survived.
Pausing when someone validates you, and instead of dismissing it, asking: “What if I let this land, just for a moment?”
Exploring, in therapy, the origin of the belief: “I can only trust myself.”
It’s slow, tender work. And it’s worth it. Because when you can let in even a little bit of support, life feels less heavy.
Final Thought
Hyper-independence is not who you are. It’s who you learned to be.
The truth is: your worth isn’t tied to carrying everything alone. You deserve support that doesn’t crumble, people who see you, and the safety of knowing you don’t have to do it all by yourself anymore.
