Why Do I Feel Deeply Connected to Someone Who Doesn’t Even Know Me? Understanding Limerence and Trauma Bonds
It’s a strange and often painful experience — feeling deeply connected to someone who barely knows you, or perhaps doesn’t know you at all.
You catch yourself thinking about them constantly, imagining conversations, or building entire storylines in your mind. You know it’s not real, yet it feels real — like a bond that exists on some invisible level.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people who grew up without consistent love, care, or emotional safety find themselves drawn into these kinds of fantasy connections. They feel powerful and intoxicating, but they aren’t true intimacy — they’re often the echo of unmet attachment needs and unresolved trauma.
This article explores why that happens, what’s really going on beneath the surface, and how to begin healing.
What Are Fantasy Bonds?
When we experience complex trauma — especially in childhood — we often miss out on secure attachment. Instead, we grow up with insecure attachment styles such as anxious or avoidant attachment.
Because every human being needs connection to survive, our brains find creative ways to simulate that closeness. One of those ways is through what psychologists call fantasy bonds — imagined or surface-level connections that feel real but lack true emotional intimacy.
There are two main patterns of fantasy bonding that often appear after trauma: limerence and fantasy bonding itself.
1. Limerence: The Fantasy of Romantic Love
Limerence is an intense, involuntary romantic infatuation that feels all-consuming.
You might constantly think about someone, crave their attention, and feel euphoric when they respond — or devastated when they don’t.
It feels like love, but it’s often love built on fantasy rather than reality. The person is idealised — seen through rose-tinted glasses, flawless and perfect in your imagination. Every message, look, or silence becomes loaded with meaning.
This cycle is driven by dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical, which reinforces the obsession and creates a craving similar to addiction.
For people with trauma or insecure attachment, limerence can feel safe — because the imagined relationship is entirely under their control. There’s no risk of rejection or real vulnerability, yet it offers the illusion of deep emotional connection.
2. Fantasy Bonding: The Illusion of Closeness
Coined by psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone, the term fantasy bond also describes a different kind of illusion — one that often occurs in long-term relationships or families.
In a fantasy bond, people appear close: they live together, share routines, post happy photos, and do life side by side. But beneath the surface, there’s emotional emptiness. Real vulnerability and openness are missing.
Instead of intimacy, there’s habit. Instead of connection, there’s control.
For example:
A couple may mistake doing everything together for being emotionally close.
A family may laugh and gather for meals but never discuss how they actually feel.
A person may stay in a painful or abusive relationship, convincing themselves it’s love because the alternative — facing the loneliness and loss — feels unbearable.
Fantasy bonding is a defensive attachment pattern — a way of avoiding the risk of rejection or abandonment by clinging to the idea of connection.
Where Do These Patterns Come From?
To understand fantasy connection, we have to go back to childhood attachment wounds.
Every child is born with an instinctive need for love, care, and emotional attunement. When parents are unavailable, inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive, that need doesn’t disappear — it gets distorted.
Children learn:
“If I can’t be loved as I am, I’ll become what they want me to be.”
They may begin to fawn, conforming to others’ expectations in order to feel safe.
Over time, authentic connection feels dangerous, while fantasy or compliance feels safer.
As adults, this can manifest in two ways:
Fantasy connections — imagining relationships where love feels secure and unconditional.
Surface relationships — appearing connected while avoiding vulnerability.
In both cases, the person is trying to meet an old attachment need in a safer, more controlled way.
Signs You May Be Caught in a Fantasy Connection
Limerence
Intrusive, obsessive thoughts about someone.
Emotional highs and lows based on their attention or distance.
Idealising or romanticising them while dismissing flaws.
Craving their validation like a “fix.”
Fantasising about a relationship or future that doesn’t exist.
Fantasy Bonding
Confusing routine, roles, or proximity with real closeness.
Avoiding vulnerability or honest communication.
Feeling merged with another person’s identity instead of being yourself.
Staying in neglectful or harmful relationships while idealising them.
Feeling emotionally numb or “safe” but unseen.
Why Fantasy Feels Safer Than Reality
Fantasy bonds protect us from pain. They let us feel love and closeness without the risk of rejection, shame, or abandonment.
But over time, they also prevent true intimacy.
They keep us stuck in patterns of avoidance, self-abandonment, and emotional isolation.
They offer a sense of control — but that control comes at the cost of genuine connection.
Healing from Fantasy Bonds and Limerence
Healing begins with awareness — recognising these patterns without judgement. Remember: they were survival strategies that helped you cope when real connection wasn’t safe.
Here are some steps toward healing:
Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands attachment and complex trauma.
Reconnect with yourself — learn to identify and honour your emotions and needs.
Build safe relationships where vulnerability and honesty are welcome.
Grieve the years spent in fantasy or emotional distance — this grief is part of healing, not a failure.
True intimacy takes time. It begins with small, authentic connections and grows from a place of safety and self-compassion.
Final Thoughts
Fantasy bonds and limerence are not signs of weakness — they’re the echoes of unmet attachment needs. They once kept you safe, but they can’t bring the love and connection you truly deserve.
Healing these patterns means learning to stay grounded in reality, to connect without losing yourself, and to allow love to grow through honesty, not illusion.
Even after years — or decades — of living in fantasy, it’s never too late to experience real, nourishing, secure connection.
