When Love Feels Complicated: Why We Chase What Hurts and Retreat From What Feels Safe
Have you ever noticed how some relationships feel like home, while others feel like a storm you can’t stop walking into?
And sometimes — strangely — it’s the storm that feels more familiar than the home.
Many people assume that when we cling to someone who pulls away, it’s about love.
But very often, it’s not love we’re chasing.
It’s resolution.
It’s the hope that this time, the ending will be different.
This is where attachment patterns and limerence quietly shape how we love.
The Love We Learn First
Our earliest experiences — long before we have words — teach us what love feels like.
If love was:
conditional
inconsistent
tied to performance
dependent on being “good” or “strong”
something we had to earn
Then the nervous system learns something very specific:
Closeness is risky, and love must be proven.
Not consciously.
Not logically.
But in the body.
And the body will keep repeating that story until it is seen and understood.
The Attachment Pattern That Looks Like a Contradiction
Many people describe themselves as “hot and cold” in relationships.
They care deeply — yet their behaviour doesn’t always match it.
From the outside, it looks confusing.
From the inside, it feels overwhelming.
But this pattern is not inconsistency.
It’s the nervous system trying to stay safe.
When Love Feels Far Away
When connection feels uncertain — when someone pulls back or becomes distant — the nervous system moves into pursuit mode:
Trying harder
Giving more
Fixing, explaining, proving
Inside, anxiety rises:
“Please don’t leave. I’ll do whatever I need to keep this.”
The effort is real.
The fear is real.
The cost can be high.
When Love Feels Close and Safe
But when someone is steady, warm, emotionally available — something different happens.
A quiet discomfort appears.
A sense of being seen too clearly.
And then:
Withdrawal
Taking space
Going quiet
Emotional shutdown
Not because we don’t care.
But because shame steps in and whispers:
“If they really know me, they won’t stay.”
The danger shifts from losing them to being known.
The Push-Pull Is Not a Character Flaw
This is not mixed signals or confusion.
It is:
Anxious attachment → fear of losing connection
paired withShame-based avoidance → fear of being fully seen
Two instincts born from the same wound.
The nervous system learned:
Losing love hurts
But being truly known might hurt too
So it protects you — in both directions.
Cling when love feels threatened.
Retreat when love feels close.
Not conflicted — just guarded.
What About Limerence?
(The longing that doesn’t let go)
Limerence is not love.
It is a fixation triggered by unpredictability.
It thrives in:
mixed signals
intermittent affection
emotional distance
uncertainty
It’s the nervous system saying:
“If I can win this person, maybe I’ll finally feel enough.”
So we keep trying.
Giving.
Over-functioning.
Calling it devotion.
But the truth is quietly liberating:
Limerence isn’t attachment to a person.
It’s attachment to a wound we’re trying to heal.
Why We Retreat From the Safe Person
This is the part that confuses people the most.
When someone is:
loving
consistent
emotionally present
It should feel safe.
But for those who learned to earn love, this can feel terrifying.
Because being loved without performance means being seen —
and being seen brings risk:
“What if I’m not enough when the proving stops?”
So we pull away — not from the person, but from the exposure.
The Root of It All (In One Sentence)
When love was inconsistent early in life, the heart learns to chase what hurts and fear what heals.
Not intentionally.
Not consciously.
But protectively.
The nervous system is not sabotaging love.
It is trying to prevent the old pain from happening again.
Even if the strategy no longer fits the life we want.
The Good News: This Is All Healable
Attachment patterns are not personality traits.
They are:
learned
adaptive
and changeable
With:
nervous system repair
emotional safety
compassionate self-awareness
healthy relational experiences
The heart can learn a new rhythm.
If You Recognise Yourself Here
Be gentle.
This pattern did not begin in romance.
It began in the body — long before language.
You are not too much.
You are not broken.
You are not bad at love.
Your heart learned to protect itself.
Healing is not about forcing yourself to behave differently.
It’s about allowing the body to slowly feel safe in closeness again.
Both the part that clings
and the part that withdraws
are trying to protect the same tender place:
The part of you that has always wanted to love —
and to be loved in return.
