When Caring Becomes About Us: Reflections for Helping Professionals

Most people enter the caring professions because they genuinely want to help. But alongside that genuine care, there can also be quieter, more hidden motivations at play — ones we may not always admit to ourselves.

This isn’t a sign that you don’t care. It’s a sign that you’re human.

1. Motivation vs. Meaning

Sometimes, part of the drive to help others comes from what we get out of it — relief, validation, or proving our competence.

That doesn’t erase our care for people, but it does mean our own ego needs and wounds may also be present in the room.

Many helpers — especially early on, or after going through their own healing — go through a phase where supporting others feels like solving a puzzle, proving worth, or seeking validation. It’s not unusual. It’s simply part of the process of growth and self-awareness.

2. The Validation Loop

Wanting sessions to “feel successful” or craving feedback to confirm you’re doing well can be a signal:
“Am I good enough? Do others see me?”

The risk here is that the work can begin to shift from being client-centred to soothing our own wound. This doesn’t make anyone “bad” — it simply points to an unmet need in us.

Supervision, therapy, or reflective practice can help separate what belongs to us from what belongs to the person we’re supporting.

3. Avoidance of Continuity

Some people notice they feel more energised at the beginning of helping relationships — when there’s novelty, challenge, or quick validation. But when the work calls for depth, consistency, and long-term presence, motivation dips.

This can stem from:

• A need for control (avoiding the vulnerability of long-term relationships).

• A defended wound (intimacy feels risky, so short-term work feels safer).

Becoming aware of this pattern can open space for growth and deeper connection.

4. The Mirror of Challenging Clients

Often, the people we find most difficult to work with are mirrors. They may reflect parts of ourselves we struggle with — or dynamics from early relationships that shaped how we learned to survive.

A controlling, dismissive, or demanding client, for example, may trigger old wounds around not being valued or respected. Instead of being a “problem client,” they may be holding up a mirror to our own story.

5. Reflection Questions

If you’re in a caring profession, here are some gentle prompts to explore:

• If I never received validation again — would I still want to do this work?

• When I imagine journeying with someone long-term, what stirs in me? Excitement, fear, boredom, avoidance?

• Am I trying to heal the part of me that wasn’t seen, validated, or valued — through the way I care for others?

Final Thought

The truth is: caring work is never just about the other person. Our histories, needs, and wounds are always in the room too. The invitation isn’t to eliminate them — but to become aware of them, so they don’t unconsciously shape the care we provide.

Because when we hold both — the client’s needs and our own humanity — that’s where the deepest, most authentic healing relationships can happen.