Understanding Limerence: Why We Become Intensely Infatuated
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking about someone constantly—replaying conversations, imagining future scenarios, or feeling your mood swing based on how they respond to you—you may have experienced limerence. It’s that intense emotional infatuation that feels euphoric but can also be confusing or painful. And while limerence is often mistaken for love, they’re not quite the same thing.
Love is grounded, mutual, and steady.
Limerence is urgent, idealized, and often one-sided.
So where does limerence come from? Let’s break it down.
1. Unmet Emotional Needs
Limerence often begins when we’re craving something emotionally—connection, understanding, validation—and we believe one person can finally provide it. That person becomes more than who they really are; they become a symbol of comfort or fulfillment.
2. Mixed or Inconsistent Signals
This is a big one. If the other person is warm one moment and distant the next, the uncertainty actually intensifies the attraction. Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement, and it’s the same brain loop that makes slot machines addictive.
The “maybe” keeps us hooked.
3. Idealization and Fantasy
In limerence, we don’t fall in love with who the person truly is—we fall in love with our idea of them. We fill in the unknown parts of their personality with exactly what we want them to be. This can feel magical at first, but it’s based more on imagination than reality.
4. Attachment Style Matters
People with anxious attachment are especially susceptible. If you grew up fearing emotional loss or inconsistency, limerence can feel like a familiar emotional pattern: chasing closeness you can never quite secure.
Interestingly, limerence also appears with avoidant partners, because emotional distance keeps the fantasy alive.
5. Past Emotional Deprivation
If love in childhood felt unpredictable—given sometimes, withheld at others—the brain learns to equate intensity with affection. Limerence can feel like chasing the love you believe you must earn.
6. Low Self-Worth and Validation Seeking
If our confidence is shaky, another person’s attention can feel like oxygen. Their approval becomes tied to our self-esteem, so we start to depend on them emotionally.
7. Neurochemistry: The Brain Gets Involved
Limerence is fueled by dopamine and norepinephrine—the brain’s reward and excitement chemicals. Importantly, it’s the anticipation of reciprocation—not the reciprocation itself—that keeps the limerence going.
In other words, it’s the hope that becomes addictive.
8. Lack of Fulfillment Elsewhere
When life feels dull, stagnant, or stressful, limerence can act like an escape. The fantasy becomes a storyline, a source of excitement, a place to mentally go.
9. Cultural and Romantic Conditioning
Movies, books, and songs often glamorize overwhelming, all-consuming love. We’re taught that “the one” will change everything—so when limerence hits, it can feel like destiny rather than psychology.
So What’s the Big Picture?
Limerence doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means there are emotional needs, histories, and habits at play—ones that can be understood and worked with.
Recognizing limerence is often the first step in shifting from obsessive longing to healthier, grounded connection.
