How Unhealed Trauma Affects Your Relationships
Have you ever wondered why certain patterns keep repeating in your relationships — even when you try to do things differently?
Whether it’s conflict, emotional distance, trust issues, or feeling overly responsible for others, unhealed trauma often plays a hidden role in how we relate to the people around us.
In this post, we’ll explore:
What unhealed trauma is
How trauma impacts your nervous system and attachment style
Signs trauma may be affecting your relationships
The roots of trauma in early parent-child dynamics
How healing is possible (and worth it)
What Is Unhealed Trauma?
Trauma isn’t always a single life-threatening event — it also includes:
Repeated emotional neglect
Feeling unsafe or unseen as a child
Growing up around high conflict or addiction
Being shamed, blamed, or made to feel “too much”
Loss, bullying, or betrayal
In the words of Dr. Gabor Maté, trauma is not what happens to you — it's what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you. It’s the disconnection from self, safety, and trust that lingers in your body and nervous system long after the event.
The Roots of Trauma: Attachment & Early Relationships
Our earliest emotional blueprint is formed in childhood — especially through our connection with primary caregivers.
According to attachment theory (John Bowlby), the quality of care, responsiveness, and emotional attunement we receive shapes how we learn to relate to others and ourselves.
When those needs aren’t met consistently:
We may become anxious, clingy, or afraid of abandonment
We may become avoidant — self-reliant, emotionally distant
Or we may develop disorganised attachment — craving connection but fearing it at the same time
Dr. Maté highlights that children will always choose attachment over authenticity — meaning we often suppress our true emotions to maintain connection with caregivers.
This coping strategy, though protective at the time, can show up in adulthood as:
People-pleasing or overfunctioning in relationships
Difficulty trusting or expressing emotions
Fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
Choosing emotionally unavailable partners
A deep sense of shame or unworthiness
How Trauma Shows Up in Relationships
Unhealed trauma affects how you:
Trust others (or keep them at arm’s length)
Handle conflict (fight, freeze, flee, or fawn)
Communicate needs (or avoid them altogether)
Set boundaries (or feel guilty for doing so)
Respond to love and vulnerability
Examples of trauma-driven patterns:
TRAUMA RESPONSEIN RELATIONSHIPSFightAnger, criticism, control, defensivenessFlightAvoidance, perfectionism, busynessFreezeNumbing out, indecision, emotional shutdownFawnPeople-pleasing, merging, self-abandonment
These responses aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations to pain. But they can block the deep connection, safety, and mutual respect you long for in relationships.
Breaking the Cycle
Do you ever notice yourself thinking:
“Why do I always attract the same kind of partner?”
“I don’t know how to ask for what I need.”
“I’m scared they’ll leave if I show my true self.”
These patterns usually aren’t about now — they’re old wounds playing out in the present. The good news is, with the right support, they can be understood, healed, and transformed.
Healing Is Possible
Trauma-informed therapy — such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems, or somatic therapy — can help you:
Safely process old pain without being re-traumatised
Rebuild trust in yourself and others
Rewire old beliefs about love and worthiness
Create relationships built on connection, not protection
As Gabor Maté says:
“The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self. Healing is reconnection.”
Final Thoughts
Your trauma isn’t your fault — but your healing is your responsibility.
If your relationships feel stuck, chaotic, or overwhelming, it may be time to look beneath the surface.
With support, you can:
✨ Develop secure, healthy attachments
✨ Set boundaries without guilt
✨ Feel safe being fully seen in love and connection
Ready to Begin?
If you’re based in Coventry or open to online therapy, I offer a safe, compassionate space to explore trauma, relationships, and emotional healing.
📧 Email: ames@amesaspire.com
🌐 Website: www.amesaspire.com
📸 Instagram: @amesaspire
