When Needs Go Unmet: How Childhood Attachment Might Shape Addiction
Addiction is often misunderstood. Many people assume it’s about “weakness,” “bad choices,” or a lack of willpower. In reality, addiction is usually less about the substance or behaviour itself and more about the voids we’re trying to fill.
As Dr. Gabor Maté defines it:
“Addiction is any behaviour a person finds temporary relief or pleasure in, and therefore craves, but suffers negative consequences from, and has difficulty giving up.”
This means addiction isn’t just about substances like alcohol or drugs. It can also include workaholism, compulsive eating, gambling, shopping, sex, or even the constant need for approval. Because of how the human brain is wired, we are all susceptible to finding ways to soothe pain, reduce stress, or numb feelings when our deeper needs aren’t being met.
Those unmet needs often begin in childhood.
The Need for Attachment
From birth, we are wired for connection. A baby cannot survive without the presence and care of another human being. That drive for closeness and safety — what psychologists call attachment — is fundamental.
When our caregivers are consistently present, attuned, and loving, we develop a sense of security: “I am safe. I can rely on others. The world is okay.”
But when love is inconsistent, conditional, or absent, the child may grow up with the opposite belief: “I am not safe. I can’t trust others. Something must be wrong with me.”
The Need for Authenticity
Alongside attachment, children also need authenticity — the freedom to be themselves. Authenticity means being able to feel what you feel, say what you think, and express who you are without fear of rejection.
But for many children, authenticity comes at a cost. If expressing anger, sadness, or even joy risks disapproval or withdrawal from a parent, the child learns to suppress those parts of themselves. They adapt to stay connected. Attachment is preserved, but at the expense of authenticity.
When Needs Collide
When authenticity threatens attachment, children almost always choose attachment — because survival depends on it. But the unspoken bargain leaves wounds: parts of the self are silenced, and basic needs for safety, validation, and freedom of expression go unmet.
As adults, those unmet needs don’t just disappear. They leave behind a void — a sense of emptiness, loneliness, or not-enoughness.
Addiction as a Coping Mechanism
This is where addiction often enters the picture. Addiction rarely begins as “the problem.” More often, it begins as a coping mechanism — an attempt to solve the problem of unmet needs. Substances, behaviours, or relationships provide temporary relief from the pain, shame, or emptiness inside.
Alcohol may numb the ache of isolation.
Food may comfort the parts of us that feel neglected.
Workaholism may mask feelings of inadequacy.
Compulsive relationships may substitute for the secure bonds we longed for.
Our Brains Are Wired for Relief
Humans are biologically wired with natural opioid circuits — endorphins — that soothe pain, reduce stress, and create feelings of safety and connection. Normally, these are activated through comfort, touch, closeness, or being cared for.
But when a child grows up without enough love, safety, or soothing, those natural circuits may not develop fully. Later in life, when someone uses an external opioid like heroin, the brain is suddenly flooded with a sense of calm, warmth, and relief it has been craving all along.
In this way, addiction is not about chasing pleasure but about seeking relief. It starts as the nervous system’s best attempt at survival — a solution, not a flaw. Over time, however, what once soothed begins to create new layers of suffering, leaving the original wounds still unmet.
As Maté says: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain?”
Healing the Wounds Beneath Addiction
True healing doesn’t come from fighting the addiction alone, but from addressing the root causes:
Rebuilding attachment: finding safe, supportive relationships where trust and care can grow.
Restoring authenticity: reconnecting with the parts of ourselves we had to hide in order to belong.
Meeting unmet needs: learning to give ourselves compassion, validation, and care where it was once absent.
Therapeutic approaches like EMDR, trauma-informed counselling, and compassionate inquiry can help uncover these patterns, release shame, and create space for healthier ways of meeting our needs.
Closing Thought
Addiction is never about weakness. It’s about longing. It’s about the deep human needs for love, safety, and authenticity that may have been compromised in childhood.
When we can finally turn with compassion toward those unmet needs, we begin to heal not just the addiction — but the pain beneath it.
