Becoming What Hurt Us: Understanding Identification With the Aggressor and Survival Mimicry
One of the more puzzling — and often misunderstood — patterns in trauma psychology is what’s called identification with the aggressor or, at times, reversal of roles.
It’s when the person who once felt powerless begins, consciously or unconsciously, to mirror the traits of the person who once frightened, controlled, or hurt them.
To outsiders, this can look like hypocrisy or contradiction:
“Why would someone who’s been hurt act in a similar way?”
But to the nervous system, this isn’t hypocrisy.
It’s survival logic — an attempt to regain control in a world that once felt uncontrollable.
The Neurology of Mimicry
When a child (or adult) faces repeated threat, the brain’s limbic system records the aggressor’s behaviour as the template for power and safety.
Mirror neurons — the brain cells that help us learn through imitation — fire intensely in states of fear.
So when a child watches someone dominate, shout, hit, manipulate, or withdraw love, the nervous system unconsciously learns:
“That’s how you stay safe. That’s how you stay in control.”
Over time, those neural pathways become ingrained.
When stress or vulnerability re-emerges later in life, the same circuits can re-activate — not because the person wants to harm, but because the body is replaying the only survival code it knows.
This is what Freud originally called repetition compulsion — the drive to re-enact unresolved trauma, hoping unconsciously for mastery or a different outcome.
Modern neuroscience reframes it as neurotic repetition: the brain’s attempt to predict and pre-empt danger by recreating familiar dynamics.
The Psychology of Identification
“Identification with the aggressor” was first described by psychoanalyst Anna Freud.
She observed that children under threat often take on the qualities of the threatening figure to avoid feeling powerless.
It’s an unconscious contract:
“If I become like them, they can’t hurt me again.”
This process can look different depending on the trauma:
A neglected child learns to neglect their own needs — becoming emotionally self-sufficient to avoid disappointment.
A controlled child grows up hyper-controlling, trying to manage others to prevent chaos.
A humiliated child might become critical or defensive, attacking before they can be attacked.
A sexually exploited person may later use seduction, dominance, or emotional distance as armour — not because they lack morals, but because their body remembers attention as a form of control.
Reversal of Roles: From Victim to Rescuer or Persecutor
Sometimes the mimicry isn’t literal but reversed — the person swings to the opposite pole of what they experienced.
This too is survival adaptation.
Someone raised by helpless parents may become fiercely competent, rejecting any sign of dependency.
A person raised by an absent caregiver may become overly giving, rescuing, or self-sacrificing — trying to offer others what they themselves needed.
A victim of emotional abuse may find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, unconsciously replaying the familiar dynamic from the other side, hoping this time they can “fix” it.
The nervous system isn’t trying to self-sabotage; it’s trying to resolve the unfinished story.
It keeps repeating the scene, hoping for a safer ending.
The Body Remembers Power and Powerlessness
On a biological level, trauma is a story of frozen survival energy.
When fight-or-flight couldn’t complete, that energy remains trapped in the body.
Mimicry — adopting the stance, tone, or behaviour of the aggressor — can temporarily release that frozen charge.
It creates a momentary illusion of safety and mastery:
“Now I’m the one in control.”
But because it’s rooted in fear, not integration, the relief is short-lived.
The body remains on alert, constantly recreating dynamics that confirm its old map of reality: dominance, submission, rejection, shame.
Healing: Breaking the Cycle Without Shame
Understanding these patterns is not about blame — it’s about compassion and accountability.
When we see our defensive behaviours as the body’s attempts to survive, we can begin to work with them rather than against them.
Healing involves three steps:
Awareness – Recognising the pattern without self-judgment.
“Ah, this is my nervous system replaying safety through control.”Differentiation – Learning to separate then from now.
“I’m not that powerless child anymore. I have choices.”Integration – Reclaiming the energy that once went into defence and using it for connection, creativity, and protection in healthy ways.
Trauma therapy, somatic work, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can all help the brain and body distinguish between past threat and present safety.
Final Reflection
“Identification with the aggressor” isn’t about becoming bad — it’s about becoming protected.
When safety was absent, the brain copied whatever looked powerful.
But what once kept you alive may now keep you disconnected.
The work of healing is to update the body’s old survival code — to realise that you no longer need to become power to be safe.
You can hold your boundaries without aggression.
You can express anger without harm.
You can be strong without repeating the story that once hurt you.
