The Four Communication Styles: Why We Sometimes Misunderstand the People We Love
There are moments in relationships — romantic, family, friendships, work — where we feel misunderstood, unseen, or even rejected.
Often, the problem isn’t love or intention.
It’s communication styles.
One way to understand this comes from a simple framework that describes four core communication patterns:
Red – direct, focused, gets things done
Yellow – energetic, creative, enthusiastic
Green – calm, steady, supportive, peace-seeking
Blue – detail-oriented, thoughtful, structured
Most of us tend to lean toward one or two of these styles, especially when we’re stressed.
And when two different styles meet in daily life — especially in close relationships — misunderstandings can happen fast.
A Real Example of How This Plays Out
Imagine one person (Yellow) wakes up on the weekend full of ideas:
“Let’s go out! Let’s try something new! Let’s make the day amazing!”
Meanwhile, their partner (Red or Blue) is still waking up, slow, grounded, thinking:
“Let me have my coffee first… I need a plan… I need clarity.”
The enthusiastic partner may feel rejected.
The calm partner may feel overwhelmed.
No one did anything wrong.
But the meaning each person assigns to the moment can cause pain.
The excitable one may think: “You don’t care.”
The grounded one may think: “You’re too much.”
But what’s really happening is simply different nervous systems and communication patterns.
One person is rejecting the chaos, not the connection.
Understanding Your Style Changes Everything
Once you recognise the styles, things that used to feel personal… stop feeling personal.
You see that:
Some people show love by doing
Some show it by listening
Some show it by creating experiences
Some show it by providing stability
No style is better.
No style is right or wrong.
They are just different ways of navigating the world.
How This Helps in Relationships
When we understand someone’s communication style:
We stop trying to change them
We start learning how to meet them
We learn to translate instead of defend
This is where connection deepens.
Communication is not actually about perfect phrasing —
it’s about recognising the human nervous system across from us.
Why This Matters (The Part That Really Changes Relationships)
When you understand this, something profound happens:
You stop making differences mean something about you.
What once felt like rejection starts to look like:
Someone regulating themselves
Someone trying to feel safe
Someone loving in their way
And you start to soften too.
You begin to slow down.
To ask questions instead of react.
To offer curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Because the moment we stop interpreting differences as threats,
relationships become places where both people can breathe.
A Gentle Reflection
Think of one person you sometimes feel misunderstood by.
Ask yourself:
What is their style trying to protect?
What helps them feel safe?
How do they express care, even if it's different from me?
Connection isn’t built from sameness.
It's built from seeing each other clearly.
