The Hidden Needs Behind Every Conversation
How to Recognise What People Are Really Asking For (and Respond with Understanding)
Based on the work of Chase Hughes and insights from behavioural communication research, this framework explores the six core emotional needs that shape how people connect, express, and respond in relationships.
Why Some Conversations Leave Us Drained — and Others Flow Effortlessly
Have you ever walked away from a conversation wondering why it felt so hard — even though you were kind, calm, and clear?
Perhaps the other person became defensive when you were only trying to help.
Or maybe you offered empathy, but they seemed to pull away or change the subject.
It’s not always about what we say — it’s about what people need to feel seen and safe.
Every human interaction carries an invisible current: a need for validation. Understanding what kind of validation someone seeks helps us respond in a way that meets their emotional wiring, not just their words.
The Six Core Validation Needs
According to behavioural analysis research (originally outlined by Chase Hughes), most people operate with one dominant validation need — something they unconsciously seek from others to feel secure, significant, or connected.
These needs are:
Significance — wanting to feel important, exceptional, or unique.
Acceptance — wanting to belong or be included.
Approval — wanting recognition or praise for doing well.
Intelligence — wanting to be seen as competent or clever.
Pity (Care) — wanting sympathy, nurture, or rescue.
Strength/Power — wanting respect, control, or influence.
We all hold a mix of these, but one or two usually drive how we communicate, react, and interpret others.
How These Needs Show Up in Everyday Conversation
Let’s look at what each might sound like — and how you can recognise it.
1. Significance
This person wants to feel they matter — that their voice or presence makes a difference.
They often use phrases like:
“No one ever listens to me.”
“People don’t realise how much I do.”
“I just want to make an impact.”
How to respond:
Acknowledge their contribution. Show them their presence counts.
“You’ve really put thought into this — your insight makes a difference.”
Root cause:
Often grows from childhoods where achievements or emotions were overlooked. They learned to earn love through standing out or being “the best.”
2. Acceptance
This person longs to belong — to feel part of a group, relationship, or team.
They may say:
“I just don’t fit in anywhere.”
“I hate being left out.”
“I wish people would include me more.”
How to respond:
Offer reassurance of connection. Use inclusive language:
“I’m really glad you’re here.”
“We’re in this together.”
Root cause:
May stem from environments where love was conditional — only given when they behaved “right.” The nervous system equated acceptance with safety.
3. Approval
They want to be recognised for doing well — not necessarily praised, but seen.
They often ask:
“Did I do okay?”
“I hope I didn’t mess that up.”
How to respond:
Reflect genuine appreciation:
“You handled that really thoughtfully.”
“You put a lot of care into that — I can see it.”
Root cause:
Often linked to high-pressure or critical homes, where validation came through performance. They learned that “being loved” means “doing well.”
4. Intelligence
They value being respected for their ideas, insight, or logic.
You might hear:
“I already knew that.”
“Let me explain how it really works.”
How to respond:
Respect their reasoning — don’t challenge just to prove a point.
“That’s an interesting way to look at it — I hadn’t thought of that.”
Root cause:
Often shaped in environments where being “right” kept them emotionally safe — e.g., parents who valued intellect over vulnerability, or punished emotional expression.
5. Pity (Care)
This person doesn’t necessarily want pity — they want care and safety.
They might share their struggles in ways that invite comfort:
“It’s just been so hard lately.”
“I can’t seem to get a break.”
How to respond:
Offer warmth and genuine empathy without trying to fix:
“That sounds really heavy. I can imagine how tiring that must be.”
Root cause:
Usually linked to environments where distress was ignored or punished. They learned to express suffering as the only way to be seen, loved, or soothed.
6. Strength/Power
They seek respect, control, or influence. Often, they mask insecurity with confidence or assertiveness.
You might notice:
“I can handle it.”
“People always rely on me.”
“I don’t need anyone’s help.”
How to respond:
Respect their autonomy — avoid “helping” unless invited.
“I trust your judgment on this.”
“You’ve got a strong handle on things.”
Root cause:
Often stems from growing up in chaos or instability, where control was the only form of safety. Their independence became armour.
How to Spot These Needs in Conversation
You can usually identify someone’s dominant validation need by observing:
The stories they repeat — What theme runs through their complaints or achievements?
The emotions they express most strongly — Shame, frustration, loneliness, pride?
Their reactions to feedback — Do they withdraw, argue, or seek reassurance?
Example:
If you say, “I think you did that really well,” and they light up — approval need.
If they respond better when you ask for their opinion — intelligence or power need.
If they soften when you share empathy — pity/care need.
Why This Matters for Relationships
When two people have different validation needs, miscommunication is almost guaranteed.
For example:
A significance-seeker may feel unseen by a power-seeker who values control over connection.
A pity/care person might overwhelm an intelligence person who wants solutions, not sympathy.
An approval person may exhaust themselves trying to please an acceptance type who only wants closeness.
Understanding these differences builds compassion.
It reminds us: everyone’s behaviour is an attempt to meet a need — not a personal attack.
How to Communicate More Effectively
Once you recognise the need beneath someone’s words, you can mirror safety back to them.
If they need…Try saying…Significance“What you said really mattered.”Acceptance“I’m really glad we’re doing this together.”Approval“You did a great job — I noticed the details.”Intelligence“That’s an insightful point — tell me more.”Pity/Care“That sounds really hard, I’m here with you.”Power/Strength“You’ve got this handled — I respect how you lead.”
These small shifts in language meet people where they are — which is where true connection happens.
Healing the Deeper Pattern
Recognising others’ needs is powerful — but recognising our own is transformational.
When you know which kind of validation you unconsciously chase, you begin to reclaim it from others and give it to yourself.
That’s where freedom begins.
Therapies like EMDR, counselling, and inner child work help uncover and rewire these patterns at their roots — bringing awareness, emotional safety, and integration between the logical and emotional self.
Final Reflection
At the heart of every conversation, we are all saying the same thing in different ways:
“See me. Understand me. Make me feel safe.”
Once you understand how someone needs to be seen, you no longer need to argue to be understood — you simply speak their emotional language.
That’s not manipulation.
That’s empathy in its most intelligent form.
